Franklin , Tennessee - BVD News - with the word on the street spreading about that Franklin Police are plotting to become heroes by allowing some Franklinites to be sacrificed for cannon fodder , BVD was asked , " Is it possible to remove your own bullets , since I can not afford bullet removal insurance ? " And , with that question , BVD went to interview , fired and retired and former "Streets of Franklin" crime fighter , who was promoted to CID Lt. , a 25 year Franklin Police Chief wanna be and who again was later demoted to Night Shift Supervising Sargent so he could properly train Warner to take his place , Tim Taylor , to get the correct answers.
BVD : Thank you Mr. Taylor for seeing me.
Tim Taylor : Sure thing BVD. So , you want to know all about the fine art , of removing your own bullets do you?
BVD : Yes Sir. My readers really really want to know.
TT : I got to hand it to you BVD. You always come thru for your readers. I know , because I read your stuff all the time. So , let's get to it. The first thing to do , after being shot , is to go home to Momma. Remember when you were little ? Your Momma somehow knew everything about taking care of wounds , including those strange things growing on your penis.
BVD : Well yeah of course she did , she's from the Bronx. South Side that is.
TT : Uh huh of course. Let's move on. I have asked The Franklin Police Crime Investigation Team and The Crime Re Enactment Unit , with permission from Jay Johnson , to perform a bullet removal for us now that they have a 36 million dollar facility that allows them to do this sort of thing , out of sight of the public. Let's drop in and see what's going on:
Little Boy : Mom , Oooooooh MOM ! I've been shot again !
Mom : O K my Little Man , just go and bend over the sink , just like you did the last time , remember
LB : O K Momma. Butt this time , how about tending to the right hole. O K ?
Momma : (Giggles) O K son ha ha ha ha O K ( laughing , she playfully tugs on his ear)
LB : Oooooo MOMMA ! Not that hole :( his mom gets an ice pack and places it over the wound to numb the area)
Mom : O K son. Hold this ice pack in place while I go and get your favorite bullet removal knife.
She finds the knife and hands it to him. Very gently , the Little Boy takes the knife and probes it into the wound. Wiggling and twisting , the knife looks around inside for the bullet. Finding it , the Little Boy pries the knife blade up , pulling out minute pieces of muscle , tissue and sinew , the bullet falls out with a kinky kind of a clinky metallic sound , ass it bounces around in the sink , his mother takes the knife away from him.
Mom : Hmmm , my little Dr. Man I presume , I see you've done this sort of thing before. Now , I'll just heat the knife up to a nice cherry color red for you. Do you remember those cherries son
Little Boy : I sure do Momma. They tasted a little salty , butt they were sure tasty good.
Mom : O K son , do you remember when you stole all that money from that mean ole man , you know , our friendly neighborhood drug dealer who used to be my husband
LB : I sure do Momma. He caught up with me and gave me a chainsaw enema that I'll never forget.
Mom : Well son , when I put this red hot knife on your wound , you're gonna remember those feelings again , , , , aaaaaaand the son does remember ass the hot blade makes a sizzling sound while the air permeates with the smell of fresh burning flesh.
Little Boy : OH YEAH. I REMEMBER IT NOOOOW ! ! ! ! !
Mom : O K son. Hey , hey , hey , what's the matter ? She looks into his tear filled eyes. Noooow what's my Little Man crying about this time ?
LB : I'm crying because you are gonna waste some really good whiskey :(
Mom : That's right. Would you prefer I use the rubbing alcohol ?
Little Boy : Uh no , the whiskey is a lot smoother and does'nt hurt ass bad.
Mom : Are you saying one chainsaw enema is enough for one day ? Winking at him :)
LB : Yeah Mom , something like that.
Mom : O K. You look pretty good. The bleeding has mostly stopped.
LB : Good job Mom , you've always done me good quality work.
Tim Taylor : Now , all you do in wrapping this up , is to get something clean to dress the wound. You can even boil some rags. Also , when wrapping the wound , remember not to wrap too tightly or you will cut off the blood supply and even crush some important nerves. And that's all there is to it :)
BVD : Thank you Tim. I knew you had answers for everything. Um , is there any whiskey left ?
Tim Taylor : Unfortunately no , jackie beat you to the last of it. And one more thing. Remember to mind the wound to minimize blood lose. Otherwise , you would die and inherit a worm farm. Heh heh heh .
BVD : Tim , again , thank you so much for giving us your time
Tim Taylor : Not a problem BVD , no problem at all. Just remember me when you vote for Franklin's new police Chief.
BVD : Uh , er ah , Tim , nobody votes for the police Chief. That's a political position that has already been filled by Jay Johnson with the help of his cronies.
Tim : Oh uh yeaaaah. That's right. I knew that. Heh heh heh I just wanted to see if you were paying attention
